Parenting has such joyful moments!
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Children, must they rebel? I started last week in “Teen Rebellion – Does It Have To Be” discussing the importance of the parent’s relationship to their children and the parent’s job to train their children up to be responsible adults. So, the time you spend loving, training, directing, and praising your children, will go far in their developing a healthy self-respect. You are able to build your child’s self-confidence, so when they are faced with a decision, they can make a choice and stand by it. Just as teen rebellion stems from the lack of a proper parent-child relationship, so “peer pressure” stems from the children’s (or adult’s) lack of self worth. We as parents have to teach our children that their life is valued by God, the almighty creator of the universe! If He has placed a high value on them (demonstrated by the sacrifice of Jesus Christ for their sins), what does it matter if someone or everyone “thinks” bad about you? Here is our privilege as parents, to teach our children the basic principles of God’s word – that we all have sinned, all deserve punishment for our sin, that equitable punishment is eternal death, that God extends His forgiveness, that we must ask for it, that we must repent of our sin and that we can live here on Earth (and then eternally) doing what is pleasing to Him and best for us. All this said, we must believe it and live it ourselves, or else we would be the dead trying to resuscitate the dead! Where are you? So, when your children have these basic teachings, we then get to instruct them in wisdom – which simply said, is seeing the world in light of God’s dominion and plan. This process of acquiring wisdom will help your children see that their worth is not based upon the opinions of people. From that vantage point, we can then help them “learn how to learn”, not just fill their heads with facts – which will just feed selfish pride. At this point they should be able to see the choices for what they are and choose to do the right thing – not be led along with the crowd. BUT, all this said, your children are not robots that we can program. As very young children, they are nearly tape recorders. But, as they grow, they attain the ability to make their own choices (you should want this!). Surely we have great influence over them and hopefully can lead them to make the right decisions. But eventually, they will (should) cut our apron strings and be their own individuals, responsible for their own lives. So make your influence count now while you can, while it has the most impact, while they look to you for love and acceptance and approval. Writing this is very emotional. I can see our children in all stages, from our all trusting 16 month old to our up-standing, married, soon-to-be father of three, 24 year old. As I’ve said before, we are not perfect, nor is every aspect of our family, but our children, thus far, have not rebelled, nor been swayed by peer pressure. We have close, growing, deep knit relationships with our children as they do with each other. So, you ask, what? when? how? The biggest step in all this is your commitment to your children. Our English speaking society uses “love” too loosely. All normal parents “love” their children – just as they “love” ice-cream and vacations and their pets. But the difference should be the measure of commitment to our children. Again, our level of commitment is reflected in the priority each activity takes. And the priority level is demonstrated by what can bump it from our plans. Surely, critical, unexpected emergencies do come up in our lives which turn everything upside down. My husband’s favorite phrase comes to mind also; “you do what you want to do”. I know there are some special cases where this may not apply 100%, but these special cases should be the exception not the rule. So, take time with them. Choose to be with your children, choose to be a family doing things together (not just in the same house doing individual things). My husband and I made a huge choice to drastically change our lives by moving out here to west Texas and start a vineyard. My husband had a professional job making over $90K/yr by working for a chemical company that required him to be gone at least 10 hr. each day. With our newly planted vineyard, the Lord willing, we will be able to live comfortably while working together as a family. Just being together (read as working: digging, hoeing, training, pruning, etc.) gives them opportunity for all sorts of deep conversations – real intimacy. Home schooling (which we have done all along ) has always provided me with teachable moments. No duh! But, home educating mothers have the privilege to teach far more than letters and numbers. By the time your child is five, they are past the time consuming phase and are able to start contributing back to the family. By changing all their dirty diapers you deserve the privilege to teach them to read, to do math and to be excited about learning. Why give it up to someone else after you’ve already done all the hard work? This also is applicable to religious education. There is nothing like the joy of leading your own children to Christ and hearing them express their own heart-felt repentance and new faith! Other examples of our family time include: reading books, playing games, housework and eating together around the dinner table. Three times a day we all sit together to eat and discuss whatever affects the family. Rarely (never) does a meal last less than 30 min. More likely, they go on for an hour unless we have our oldest son’s family with us, and then they last two hours! Everyone is encouraged to participate and join in the discussions. But, this has to be taught, 3-7 year olds often find PlayMobil more attractive; they must learn to be adults. Even our youngest contributes – usually she wants to be the main topic of conversation. What a ham she is! So , start now laying the basis for avoiding rebellion. Spend time equipping your children so they have the ability to choose wisely. If you are past the early years with them, STOP and choose this day to do what is right. Don’t offer up excuses and say, “it’s hard!” It may be more difficult than sitting on the couch watching the Superbowl, but the pay-back far exceeds any inconvenience. Commit and spend time. Do it, do it now and keep doing it! Teen Rebellion – normal? Do you expect your child to pilot the space shuttle without training? How about something more realistic. When your child reaches 16 yrs of age, you don’t just hand over the keys to your brand new Lexus, do you? If so, chances are, you’ll have a wrecked Lexus! Nor should you expect them as teenagers to act like anything but children, that is, if you haven’t spent time training and teaching. You reap today from that which you sowed yesterday. Or, like with a retirement fund, you do not reach 65 and it miraculously appears, you have to make investments. What other analogy can I call upon to make this point? So, with your children you absolutely have to invest in them starting from the earliest years building a relationship of openness, trust, increasing responsibility, accountability and independence. It takes lots of time and real commitment. With teen rebellion, as with the terrible two’s, you get what you expect. But now, it is not just a 25 lb child that you can discipline, it is a 100+ lb person who might equal or exceed your weight, size and vocabulary. The myth of teen rebellion is propagated by parents who didn’t/don’t take time to train and discipline for various reasons (ie the up-bringing they experienced, ignorance or selfishness). Maybe we could treat the first two a little less severely, but selfishness is really the main culprit and there is no excuse for it. Church activities, work, shopping and time with friends are necessary, but often used to excess, as a cover for just not wanting to be with your family. Other obvious examples of selfishness to the exclusion of family time are hunting, fishing, the gym, mom’s morning out and girls night out. Just about any valid activity can be used as an escape from the responsibilities that we undertook in our marriage vows and parenthood. Here some may claim that they didn’t “want” to be parents, it was “_____’s fault”. This is just another example of selfishness, wanting the the pleasures of life without the concurrent responsibilities. Children are mirrors of us as parents. I am not just speaking of teen rebellion here, but when our children are having attitude problems, I look at my own attitudes. More times than not, their bad attitudes are a reflection of my own! When my attitudes are straightened out, theirs seem to follow. Our children see how we talk on the phone, the things we look at, the efforts we go to attain a “look” and what we value. Our priorities are demonstrated every day by how we keep our word and what displaces the so-called “important” things of family life. Teen rebellion is just one example of the fact that children of all ages are crying out for attention, acceptance and praise. This cry unheeded often turns into a display of rebellion just to get some reaction out of their parents. They desire the parent’s time and praise but when they consistently don’t receive any, they will look elsewhere. Initially, this “elsewhere” is usually at an extreme (friends, activities, behavior), as an attempt to grab their parents attention. If ignored and unchecked, the extreme becomes their norm and they learn to substitute it for the lacking parental relationship. This may seam scary to some of you, to others it is all too true. But it doesn’t have to be. We all can choose to do the right thing even though it cost us (time, money, effort and continued acceptance by our so-called friends). My husband and I are not perfect nor are we blessed with perfect children. We often have called our first son our “test child” because we didn’t have an exact path to follow. There is no exact path, but there is a common goal: to raise up responsible adults. Many have defaulted for a substitute goal (ie to get the child out of the house, to get them an education, to get them married). But the default answer (goal) is usually wrong or, at the least, not the best – because it is easy. Anything of value requires effort and sacrifice to achieve. So (for those of you still reading) … How do you avoid teen rebellion?
For further reading: Teen Rebellion Part 2 continues with laying the basis to avoid teen rebellion.  Have you ever had a tea party with your family? If not, you should try it! Even our older boys love it! This is a tradition we started while living in Switzerland. The winters were extremely cold and the warm tea with goodies seem to warm us all. Alright, I know what you are thinking! How could she know what cold is, coming from southern Alabama. And, you are right. To those of you who live in the northern regions of our country, a Swiss winter may not be “extremely” cold. But to a southern girl, it is “Extremely” cold!
We have dishes I purchased while in Italy that are reserved for special occasions like a tea party or an Italian dinner. They are reserved because they can not be put into the dishwasher and must be washed by hand. With dirty dishes from 10+ people, washing becomes a monumental task for the person who has kitchen clean-up.
During our tea party, we normally serve cookies, cheese, crackers, fruit and sometimes party sandwiches. Christmas time makes for an especially inviting tea party as the holiday baking provides many appetizing cookies.
 Everyone gets a cup and saucer…
Even our 13 month old! Her cup is actually a Polish pottery espresso cup which is more durable than the Italian dinnerware.
For the first tea party of the season, I gave her tea in her cup, which you can see, she must have help with. The caffeine did a number on her and we were up most of the night! She was not cranky, just wide awake. From now on, she gets her tea cup but with juice in it!
Tea parties do not have to be huge productions. They can be as simple as hot tea and something small to snack on. Or, they can be elaborate and include sweets and any finger foods you desire.
The “terrible two’s”! We have all dreaded the time when our adorable toddler turns two years old for this is the onset. Some children come into this stage sooner than the age of two and others a bit later. Needless to say, they all do it. But, what exactly do they do? They make messes, which others must clean up, they get into things and they throw tantrums. Our society teaches that the “terrible two’s” is normal. Must it really be as it is labelled? Around the age of two, children begin to realize and exert their own will. They discover they are independent from their parents and do not necessarily need to follow the parent’s directions. Their new found independence revolves around their ability to move around more freely (walking) and a growing ease of coordination in mechanical movements. Awareness is the first step to taking “terrible” out of the “terrible two’s”. The messes that toddlers make can be minimized with more attentiveness. Reduce opportunities for them to be made by placing items out of reach -also known as “child-proofing” your home. Being aware of the child’s increased mobility and curiosity, will not only help cut down on the unnecessary clean-ups but also helps protect the child from hurting himself. Throwing tantrums is probably the most common characteristic of the “terrible two’s”. Dealing with them, again involves awareness. Not necessarily that your child is in the “terrible two’s” stage, but that your child is learning to be his own person. You may have to be more creative in directing his energy, setting boundaries and being consistent. Changing our expectations as parents is the second step to taking the “terrible” out of the “terrible two’s”. Much of how our children behave is the product of what we expect. If we expect the “terrible two’s”, complete with tantrums, that is exactly what we will get. If, on the other hand, we excitedly anticipate the growth and development of our child’s personality and will, our perspective will change. No longer will this important stage in our child’s development be labelled as “the terrible two’s”. It will become the start of a life long learning process for us and the child. Building a relationship with your child during this stage yields many rewards, present and future. It is time to stop accepting what our culture calls normal. Raise your expectations and enjoy your toddler as he grows, develops and learns to be an adult. Nursing mothers – This is a category I have fallen into actively ten times so far. But now, I am feeling a bit nostalgic because I am weaning our baby this week. When our next youngest child (a son now 4 yrs. old) was weaned, I had similar feelings, also thinking he was probably the last child. Then, grandchildren started coming. I thought the Lord was gently moving me out of the childbearing years – not only the child bearing years but also the nursing mothers category. But thankfully, God has a sense of humor and blessed us with #10, our third girl. After four boys, a baby girl was definitely a surprise! So now, she is 13 months old, crawling around, jabbering and yes, weaned, or to put it another way, I am no longer a nursing mother. She is handling her growing up better than I am though. In fact, she does not even seem to notice that something is different, that something is missing, that something is just not right! Not wanting my nostalgic mood to become depressing, I decided to compile a list of my accomplishments as a nursing mother. I have:
All in all, even if this has been my last nursing experience, I am happy and satisfied. As with every aspect of life, I must concentrate on what my blessings are and one of those is that I have had the privilege of belonging to the nursing mothers category.
But, is it the last? We’ll see…. |
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God has amazingly blessed me, Dina-Marie, with a wonderful husband and 10 beautiful children. Moving from our "secure" life in Alabama to the "exciting" life of starting a vineyard in west Texas has been challenging to say the least. I have had the opportunity to take a crash course in frugal living and become a real farm girl - complete with milk cow and chickens. I have learned the importance of health from the inside out, "traditional" cooking and cod liver oil! I hope to encourage you to make the most of where you are and what you have. 
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